Dependently Free

It’s funny, everyday I’m constantly reminded of how much I need Him and just when I get a little to independent thinking I’m ok on my own, I get reminded real quick.  Though my goal is not achieving that separation from Him, I’m human and there are times my flesh sure does try.

You know, I have been thinking a lot about that dependency and what it really looks like.  So often I hear people say, “That is great they found Jesus, they really needed it…something to get away from the parties, drugs, alcohol, abuse, pain, etc.”    I mean, I know I have said that before…

Really though, who are we to think for one second that we are better than a drug addict, an alcoholic, a prostitute, an abuser, or a murderer?  Are we that egotistical that we can honestly think there isn’t just one little issue of our own in the way of greatness?

What about the successful family man who is so bound by so much fear that his focus is bringing in money and he forgets the little things in life?  What about the husband who encourages his wife to have fun with the girls at a strip club because he thinks he’s giving her freedom when in reality lies are being planted, making him more inadequate to her, which neither of them see is happening?  What about the mom who was covered in rejection and control as a little girl and therefore carries that to her daughter making her never feel beautiful or skinny enough until she looks good because she now has an eating disorder, but mom can’t see that part?  What about the little girl who never had a good father figure and is crying out for love from a male figure, because we were designed to be loved by our daddies?  What about the girl whose father passed away or left and gets fake boobs, botox, and wears tight clothes to feel a sense of worth, while all along men think it’s hot, encourage it, and the rest of us women call her a slut?  What about that girl that you always thought had confidence and had it all together, all the while she just held it in as a way of controlling her circumstances, when in reality has pain lingering in her heart?

Written out and read, it may sound dramatic, but I challenge us to look inside and evaluate our own lives.  Is having freedom worth it?  Can we just be vulnerable and messy for a moment and stop worrying about what  “they” will think of us?   Because I guarantee when “they” see our freedom, their heart will cry out for the same thing.

You know, I actually think there is something for us to take note of in drug addicts and those alike. I would venture out to say at least they are searching for healing.  They are simply trying to get rid of that rejection, inadequacy, fear or pain in the same we use pride to cover it up…. It just looks a little different.

It’s nothing close to weakness to need the Father who created us, in fact, it is the closest thing to strength I know of.  He can give our families far more than we can, give our hearts a greater sense of belonging than any man or woman could ever imagine, and fulfill every part of our soul that longs for completion. We were created for the beautiful paradox of “dependently free!”

Do we really…..

I’m sure we have all read those emails or even sent them that go a little something like this:

“I usually don’t forward these on, but this one was so good…”(then goes on to tell a cool story of how good, trustworthy, loving and blessing our God is. ) Then at the end it says, “If you believe in God, please send this to ten people, including me.  You are being tested….you have 20 minutes and if you do it you will see a blessing.”

Ok, so I know that these emails are always sent with good intentions and I respect that, but honestly they make me sick.  I believe they are planting a lie within our hearts.  Just hear me out for a second.  In reality, the very words that were meant for love and encouragement are portraying a conditional, guilting, confusing and contradicting God all wrapped up in a little fear.  You may think I am going over board, but it’s true.

Do we or have we passed them on because there is a little piece in us that is fearful of not being blessed unless we pass this test?  Do we think for one second that this is what shows others we believe in God?  Do we believe our faith lies in a God who says He loves us, but only if we do something? Do we believe that even just a bit?  I know I did at one time….

The very essence of our faith is come as you are, HE LOVES US JUST AS WE ARE….we have to do nothing to make Him love us, love us more or even love us less.  Our God is not a controlling God, telling us to love Him or do certain things to receive His love back.  He is not a narcissistic God who just sits on a pedestal gloating in how many people love Him.  HE  IS LOVE, A GOD WHO CREATED US TO BE LOVED BY HIM, CREATED US TO INDULGE IN HIS GREATNESS AND BE FOREVER DEFINED BY HIS LOVE.

I challenge us all today; do we believe that God is making us love Him?  Do we believe that God will love us more if we stop smoking pot or saying “shit.” do we believe that God will bless us the more we “look like a Christian” to the world, do we believe that we serve a God who is so in love with himself that He just wants us to praise Him all day, do we believe that God hates us because were having sex outside of marriage, do we believe that heaven is a place up in the clouds and someday we will see it?

OR do we believe that GOD IS LOVE, that He can’t possibility love us anymore, do we believe that we can be a mess in front of the world and if our heart is for and moving toward Jesus that is what matters, do we believe that we HAVE ALL OF GODS LOVE and our job is simply to let Him love us, do we believe that we have freedom to run from God or embrace him, do we believe that God has a sense of humor, do we believe that God simply said to wait for marriage to have sex because he knows the deeper things and cares about our hearts and souls more than we could ever understand, do we believe that He didn’t set out a list of rules for us to follow to set us up for failure, do we believe He set us up for success, do we believe that His Kingdom comes on earth as it is in heaven, do we believe that we can live a life of abundance and greatness right here and now?

Think about it…….

If you want to hear some sweet teaching on this….click here and scroll down on the right side to the two-part series podcast by Anthony Chapman.

YOU ARE BUT YOU WILL BE…..

The beautiful coast of Long Beach, CA….my old stomping ground.  As I waited for a friend, I could not help but soak up the people watching time…one of my favorites!

Car windows open, sun shinning in and the people and sand about 5 feet away.  And of course, being right in the middle of a college town, your bound to be amongst college peeps wherever you go.  You see, it was a Friday afternoon, probably around 3:00pm and there in front of me was a group of college guys playing catch, volleyball, mingling, running around, and just having fun.  In all actuality most of the people at the beach were guys.  Of course there were a few of those girls that couldn’t separate from their boyfriends, but all in all it was mostly dudes!

So naturally, I couldn’t help but think back to my college days.  And to be honest, I had to laugh.  It was so typical.  The guys were out messing around, getting dirty and just living in that moment.  All awhile, guaranteed there were girls out shopping, getting ready for another Friday night out on the town.  They were trying to figure out which guy they were going to impress, looking for the outfit that would be cuter than any other girl and planning it all out!  Remember it is only 3:00pm. in the afternoon and most likely they all wouldn’t begin their night until about 10:00pm.

And then the words of a mighty man of God came to mind, “You are, but you will be….” I thought, wow guys do a great job at the “YOU ARE” part and us ladies do a great job at the “YOU WILL BE” part.  You see the previous description about girls and guys does not come flippantly, it comes 100% from experience.  That is the way I did it and in all fairness, part of that is how we as men and women are made differently.  But the other parts of it, I believe comes from insecurities we have.

In all actuality, those guys were probably not thinking about what they were going to wear that night, what girl they were going to impress, strategically planning their whereabouts so they would run into her and definitely not spending hours shopping for yet another Friday night out!  THEY WERE LIVING IN THE MOMENT, they were getting the “YOU ARE” part.  They were experiencing life as the person they were created as, expelling the energy they had for that moment. They were comfortable in what they were in that time and place, not getting caught up in what they were going to be that they forgot to be who they were right then.

Ladies!  I get we are different and I’m not suggesting we stop shopping and looking pretty and start playing in mud, I’m simply saying we should take part of that spirit they live in.  My friends and I got the spirit of “YOU WILL BE” pretty well!  (Not necessarily for the right reasons, but needless to say we accomplished what we set out for…most of the time.)  But that is a whole different story.  We spent so much of our time and energy looking and trying to be something else.  We bought clothes that made us look cuter, make-up that enhanced our eyes and lips, shoes that made us taller, didn’t eat a lot that night so we could be skinner, didn’t make plans until we were sure we would be in the same place and him….and on and on!

Do we see the difference?  Used in there proper spirit, both YOU ARE and YOU WILL BE are amazing truths.  Listen, I’m not suggesting we seek the “YOU WILL BE” that my friends and I did in college, but I am suggesting we hold on to that type of spirit in unison with YOU ARE.  If we have no clue where we are on the freeway, how will we ever get to where we are going?  Same goes for our lives.  Men AND women, but us ladies seem to get it mixed up a bit more, we must BE who we are, who we were created to be in this moment in time.  Yes, continue to seek out the mighty women we will be, but understand who we are now, appreciate it and cherish it.   If we don’t grasp onto who we are now we will never fully achieve all we will be! WE ARE BUT WE WILL BE TOO!

Do we know what we are asking? (Part 2)

Backing up.  I’d been home a little longer than a few weeks, was overall pretty happy, life was good and joy was easy!  (I say easy because I believe sometimes joy just comes and other times joy is a choice…this was a time where joy just happened naturally…it was easy.)

Now looking back, my world literally changed within days of saying, “Yes Lord, heal my heart and make it clean, open up my eyes to the things unseen.” God wasted no time in revealing to me what these words really meant, not just in theory, but in actuality.

These words sound or should I say sounded refreshing to me, simple enough, but in reality they are quite the opposite.  Yes, the end result may be refreshing, however there is a process to everything.  First we must see the unseen things hidden away in our hearts and then they need to be cleaned out.  When we have judgment, bitterness, lust, greed, etc, etc in our hearts, it does not simply just disappear.

Have you ever had a splinter or a piece of glass in your foot?  Think of how it feels trying to get it out, positioning it to come out…doesn’t feel good, does it?  No!  But then it comes out and it’s smooth, you can’t feel the jagged edge, and still yet it takes a bit to completely heal.  And so I believe to be the same, the process of God making the unseen seen and the unclean clean.

But the song does not end there; it goes on to say, “Show me how to love like you have loved me…Break my heart for what breaks yours.”  This is where truth really hit me.  If our hearts are full of crap, sin, whatever you want to call it, how can we love like Him?  What I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me was, “Taryn, you are asking me to show you how to love like I do, but there is a point where to draw closer, more things need to be cleared out of the way.”  And then I was blown away even more, in beautiful harmony the congregation continued, “Break my heart for what breaks yours.” I could have almost fallen to my knees in weakness with the weight these words had at that moment and will forever have to me.

Revelation continued to flow from the Holy Spirit.  It not only breaks God’s heart to see orphans, widows and the poor, but it equally breaks His heart to see His people burdened with judgment, pride, lust, self-reliance, etc, etc.  If we are walking around with this stuff clouding our vision, how could we see a homeless person or a widow in need?  Why do we always think it’s everyone else’s messed up life that breaks His heart when we have plenty of crap in ourselves that break His heart?

Paragraph by paragraph could go on explaining the depth of this song, but for now I will rest in these truths.  In the truth that I must realize what I speak, what I sing over myself and others and the weight words carry.  I will seek to hear God’s spin on things over my spin.  But above all this, I will know His character, that He never changes and that every season He takes us through is for our great purpose, which ultimately is for HIS  greater purpose. This is not another “Christianese” statement, but rather words that bring an overwhelming covering of love to my soul…God is good…He is soooo good!

Do we know what we are asking?

I want to spend a few blogs to take you through the last few months of my life.  God has been revealing a lot to me and I want to share just a bit, for what it’s worth.  But one thing I want you to know is that through this season, one thing has never changed…THE NATURE AND CHARACTER OF GOD.  My vision may be a bit foggy from time to time, but who my spirit knows He is and who He is has never changed…I’ve simply been through different seasons.  And that is why I follow Him…He is undeniably the most reliable person and is forever unfailing!  Though my mind may not always understand what is going on, my spirit reminds me that He is what this life is about!

During church a few weeks ago we began to sing the song Hosanna, a song released from my mouth a million times, but this time was different…clearly the Holy Spirit was ready to reveal something more. It’s a part that I have totally sang at the top of my lungs before and wholeheartedly meant (to the best of my knowledge) what I was singing…truthfully, I did.  But did I ever stop for a moment and ask God what He meant by those words?  Stop for a moment and take my spin off things and ask Him what His spin was?  NOPE, not until this day, not until I was literally physically heavy with the weight these words carry!

I couldn’t help but to stop singing, I had to grasp what I was releasing.  As I heard the rest of the congregation sing, “Heal my heart and make it clean” I began to realize there was NOTHING clean about these words, they were pure, but far from neat and tidy. I felt the Lord say, “Do you really want this?” Throwing caution to the wind and knowing deep down, I said, “Yes Lord.”

……..HELLO…wake up Taryn….lol!

Our Testimony

Many of us tell our testimonies, simply defining them as our story.  But Graham Cooke looks at it differently.  He says our testimony is not our past, that is our story…our testimony is what God is really like, the nature of God.  What we understand about God and who He really is to us, is what we will proclaim.  God defines who we are, not our past, our fears or are present circumstances.

To me, God has always been patient.  Amongst other things as well, but absolutely patient.  The bible says, “Love is patient” and since God is love and literally doesn’t know how to be anything different, He simply is not only the purest form of love, but also the purest in patience.  He has walked through so much crap with me, been patient for years while my back was turned and even still today, He stands oh so patiently at my side and even patiently waits for me to catch up!

But you see, for so long my understanding stopped there.  Today however, I understand it goes far beyond that.  He not only displays His character, but wants me to get it too.  And then, just when I think I know, He takes it even further.  The truth remains, He too, is interested in us becoming more like Him.  However in order to do that He needs to go deeper.  He not only shows and teaches us His greatness, but places it at the very core of our being.

You see, Jesus was fully man too, something that is harder to understand at times than Jesus being fully God.  Though fully God and fully Man at the same time…simply stated, His man side was fully man, just like you and I.  Hard to grasp, right?   So in order to make us more like Him, I believe it’s a lot simpler than we make it out to be.  (Not always easy, but simple!)  He is not going to give us wings and magic fairy dust; He is most purely going to give us His character…that is the distinctive nature of who He is.  It is love, patience, kindness, goodness, etc, etc.  Those happen in the natural…not with fairy dust, thus we will obtain it through our natural lives.

Though God is many things to me, His patience is what I see time after time.  I don’t fully understand something’s in life right now, nor do I particularly like them all, but I trust Him and honestly count it all as gain…His peace has not left me.  I know there’s more, but if the only reason I’m going through this season of learning, knowing and becoming patience is to live it and give it…then it’s all worth it!  You see, the more I become like Him, the more I look like me and the more I look like me, the more I look like Him.  What life’s all about, right?

Cooke says, “He will not rest Himself until we have a revelation of what He is really like and then He has to back that revelation up with experience.”  I’m in a time of experience, a time to truly become more like Jesus, to have character like Him.  I wouldn’t have played it out quite like this, but then again when did my ways become better than His?  More and more each day I become more reliant on His character and integrity, and that is where I will forever find my greatest happiness.  My testimony is who God is, He is a patient loving God who will forever hold me in the palm of His hand and nothing can change that.  Does our story, our circumstances or even our day define us or our testimony?

“There are no longer good or bad days, only days of GRACE.  Some days the GRACE OF GOD allows us to ENJOY what is happening and somedays the GRACE OF GOD allows us to endure what is happening.” GC

Like a gust of wind…

It’s like a big gust of wind that comes out of thin air…a wind that takes you by the most pleasant surprise.  It’s a perfect temperature, not too strong and not too subtle, but at the same time more powerful than you’ve ever felt.  It comes with an instant covering of joy.  The Psalms say, “Joy will come in the morning.”  Scripture that many of us have heard time after time in scripture that more often than not blows past us like wind, left unnoticed.

The morning has never been one of my best friends, yet at the same time it’s one of the most amazing times of day for me.  Honestly, I love to sleep…I literally get excited to go to bed at night!  Reasons being, I just love it and also because my Father simply dreams with me.  And while I love to sleep, I get overjoyed at the first sign of being awakened in the morning, which brings me to the big gust of wind.  Seriously, I can’t help but wake up every morning with an overwhelming thankfulness and joy that Jesus is Lord of my life. I don’t know how else to explain it other than a wind that takes me by the most pleasant surprise.  I can truthfully say I wake up with the joy of the Lord every morning.

You see, it’s all a choice and I don’t have it down pat.  I still have a choice to wake up, soak up the joy of the Lord and carry it with me for the rest of the day.  Or I can soak it up for a few moments and then leave it on the pillow for tomorrow.

It sounds ridiculous, but we seem to do it all the time.  What if your spouse woke up one morning and gave you an amazing gift?  Would you love it and then leave it on your bed and revisit it the next morning?  Most likely not.  You would marvel in it for the whole day, be lit up in a new way and carry a smile with you that would be contagious to others…a smile that others couldn’t help but ask where it came from.

I don’t wake up first thing in the morning, start singing and jump right out of bed….no, not even close.  I’m not trying to make you think I am this perfect angel in the morning.  It takes me a few minutes to open my eyes and it takes me even longer to start moving and talking.  But in the midst of all that, joy is covering me.  A new joy is beginning to become a part of who I will be that day, and when I have finally grasped the presence of that Joy, that is when I decide to carry it with me.  How often do we really do this?  How often do we really decide to carry this joy with us to work, school, the gym or even our living room?  I pray that we would forever hear this scripture and hold it close to our heart, and pour it out every day!  It does not cost a dime and it could be more valuable than any amount of money we make throughout the day.

It’s funny; I have never been a real morning person.  Ask my Mom; she has definitely seen the worst of it in the past!   Consistently though for the past 5 or so months, I can honestly say that there have been very few times that I have awakened without this joy, actually not accepting of this joy because it’s always there.  You see, God gives us joy in the morning, new mercies every morning, but will we accept them?  He loves to give His children gifts, but He refuses to shove them down our throats…hence, why they are called gifts.  Will we grab a hold of this gift tomorrow morning?

Amazing Night

It still baffles me at times to look at the now and compare it with then.  In earlier days, had the following setting been presented before me, the out come would have been a great night filled with fun…but simply another night, but not this time…not anymore.  Not because either is right or wrong, but purely because now the God of the universe fully has my heart.  His presence is far more thrilling that anything I could conjure up myself and above all else, His presence is in me, it goes where I go.

The 17^th of September, a day of life!  I have been with 20 or so other people who have not only become family, but are a part of who I am today.  Some have been closer than others, some have walked through some pretty hard stuff with me and yet, they all have been a source of life for me and me a source of life for them.  I have begun to understand truth with not only my head, but my spirit…this stuff runs through my bones now!

The upper room of The Museo De Vino was set to perfection, tapas pleasing to any pallet, great ambiance, brilliant company and aromatic wine for all.  This was the start of our graduation night…a night filled with joy, laughter, tears and shear love.  A night that will be remembered forever and a night that marks the end of one season and the beginning of the next.  But what is different about this than times in my past?  The difference was the presence of God. When you fill a room with 20 people who are passionately in love with God, who carry the presence of God with them, good food, drink and joy….how can our Father not bless that? He loves to have fun with us, He loves to bring us laughter and joy and He loves to cover us with His presence.

I can’t explain how He works, but what I can explain is that His presence is far greater than anything I have ever indulged in.  His presence pours out love that only He can give, it covers us with an overwhelming sense of belonging that only He can provide and quite simply stated, His presence is the best thing in the world!

He has me and He will never leave me, nor I Him.  He cares for me more than anyone else in the whole world and I Him.  He is my life because He brings life, He is my source because He is the most complete source, He is my first love because He first loved me and a He is my everything because I am without a doubt everything to Him.

Let’s stop being so spiritual…

Both David and Joseph were simply going to take care of their brothers, make sure they were ok, give them food, etc and their lives changed.  They were not sitting in deep prayer or thought, they just went about their normal day.  They did not ask God, “Is it your will that I go to the store today? Or is it your will that I walk this way instead of that way?”  No, they had the favor of the Lord and they just went.

To many times I know I have gotten caught up in “the will of God.”  But when we are following the Lord, when we are so close to Him and are not outright going against Him, I believe He will bless it. George R. came this past week and was amazing.  He pushed into our visions, tried to find holes and ultimately tried to tear them apart…in my opinion, one of the most loving things you can do.  If you can tear it apart, it was not solid.  In his words, “If I can tear your dream apart is was not a dream, it was a nightmare.”  I love it!  He also reminded me of an amazing thing that God has already said.  He has told us to “Go,” so why are we always asking Him if we should go?  He already told us…if anything, we should ask Him if we should stop…

That being said, we need to go and do.  One thing that I really grabbed onto this week was that through all the men we have met, they just did and things followed.  They had/have dreams, they plan of course and use their brains, but they also DO!  Yes, we to need to dream and dream big at that, we need to plan and have visions, but there is a point where we need to go and the rest will follow. We can’t get overwhelmed with all the big stuff…bottom line, if we are following Him, He will let us know if we need to change direction.  Until then, lets go and do something!!!!!  It may look small to some, but who cares…we know in our hearts what God has called us to.

Let’s stop getting so “spiritual” about everything and start being the will of God, stop running around everywhere looking for it when we are it.

“We are not governed by the fact we have a dream…we are liberated because we are dreamers!” George R.

Let’s not get stuck because we have so many dreams, let’s start doing, taking some risks and being our dreams so we never have a chance to get stuck!

Belonging….

Why do we behave the way we are taught? What is it with learned behavior that has a tight grip on our lives?  We are told, “you can be an extravert or an introvert, you can be business minded or crafty, that certain personality types should not do certain things, we should pray with our eyes closed, worship is defined as three songs before the service starts, etc, etc, etc.”  Why is this?

I truly think it all comes down to one phrase, “Belong before you believe.” There is nothing wrong with the things I listed above, but what is hindering about it is the unbreakable box we put around them.  We grow up in these things and learn them in school, but do we get the bigger picture?

If we would belong before we believe, we would be as we were created.  I love personality tests, in fact they have taught me a lot about myself and how I operate.  But there is a hinderance to even simple things such as these.  If I take that at face value, which I have in the past, I get locked in a box.  I am an introverted person who thinks about everything, who processes internally and so on.  But there is another side, too.  I have an extrovert side of me, I process internally a lot, but in addition I need to process externally and so on.  But how did I come to this?  It has not been by examining my personality tests or getting feedback from my friends, but simply by belonging.

I know I belong to my Father in heaven.  I know that I am His and He is mine.  I know that He can relate to me and I can to Him, after all I was created in His image and He walked this earth as a man….there are things in me that are the very thing He is.  I know that if I am rejected from a job, a friend or even a family member that I will never be rejected from Him.  A year ago, these were great words to me, but words is all they were.  They are me now.  I know without a shadow of a doubt who I belong to and that is why I believe the way I do. The very thing I belong to is what every ounce of me was created to believe.  Yes, I have been taught by two amazing parents, great men and women of god, but someone telling you something only goes so far, there is a point that your spirit has to know for sure.  There is a truth that I’m convinced only comes when you really know who you belong to, who you were created to live for and what your purpose is.

And this very truth is how I want to be to all.  I want everyone to feel like they belong around me.  I want people to see who I belong to and when they really see that, they will know why I believe what I believe.  I will not have to shove anything down their throat or pressure them to believe how I do, they will simply see my belief by the “belonging” in me.  When I woke up this morning God spoke something to me, He said…

…In order to believe, you must first belong.  In order to belong, you must first love.  In order to love, you must first be loved.  In order to be loved, you must first know love…

God is love, He is not the closest thing to it or the best example of it, He just is love.  When our spirit gets that, even when our mind still has to catch up, then we can be loved.  And when we let our walls down and allow Him to love us, that is when we can love Him and others.  And when we get to that point, we feel the sense of belonging, He loves us and so we know in the truest sense that we are His.  And then, out of all that simply comes a belief.  But that is just the by product, it begins and ends with love and belonging.  Belonging is Him loving us and love is who He is, what lives inside of us.